Archives du mot-clé Nocturne

Free Fall : Renaissance – Chapter 7 (English Version)

Here comes Chapter 7 !! Since I’ve started my new job, I’ve got less time to write as when I come back in the evening I’m pretty tired, hard to find the motivation. But I am so wishing to finish my story that I will achieve it, I promise. I loved writing Chapter 7 cause there are a lot of passages I wanted to write since a while and I can finally set them down on paper. This is pretty emotional. I hope you will feel the same things as me when I created it. You will notice the apparition of a new character, Kuba, directly taken from the gay movie Floating Skycrapers : this is a little crossover I wanted to make because I liked this movie a lot. Have a good read ! And see you soon for Chapter 8 I hope 🙂

P.S. : I translated Chapter 7 as fast as I could so you can read it as soon as possible. So if native speakers see some weird sentences or expressions just tell me so I can correct them ^^

holding-hands

Chapter’s Song

Anger and despair invade me while the ambulance disappears. I slam my fists on the ground, of rage. I see my tears fall on the asphalt. Several seconds pass by during which time seems to have stopped. I do not even hear the sounds of the city anymore around me.

I am extracted from my confusion when I feel two warm hands grab my shoulders and help me to stand up. I don’t understand anything but I let myself go. The person holds me firmly and brings me apart, while the crowd who was observing me starts to scatter. I am placed on a bench. It is only at that instant I realize that a man aged around 30, pretty cute, with beautiful blue eyes and wearing a little mustache as well as a goatee is sat by my side and stares at me. He is the one who helped me get up.

– I saw what happened, are you ok ?

– Thank you, I am barely able to mumble.

– My name is Kuba.

I can’t even answer, just gulp. Surely the effects of alcohol mixed with the shock of having found Kay just to lose him straight away.

– Tell me, who was that guy ? Did you know him ?

– Long story.

– Follow me, I’ll offer you a coffee, I think you need one.

Kuba grabs my arm and passes it around his shoulder and we get in a few meters away in a Starbucks still opened. After having installed me at a table, he comes back with two cafés latte.

– Thanks …

I swallow a boiling mouthful and it gives me an immediate boost.

– Why didn’t you go into the ambulance ? asks me Kuba.

– I was not authorized to do so.

– You must deeply love the guy who was taken by the ambulance to be so desperate. Why don’t you try to catch it back ?

– I don’t know …

I decide to tell the whole truth to Kuba and explains him what brought me to Düsseldorf. I owe him at least this for his help. He is the only one in that greedy crowd of onlookers to have come across me.

– Wait, you just found back your “lost love”, and you let him fly away like this ? Move yourself, god damn it !

– Fate doesn’t stop putting spokes in my wheels. What will happen again this time if I see him again, uh ? Tell me !?

– Calm down … What I’m trying to say, is that you must stop to let fate decide for you. You already did that by coming to Düsseldorf, and you must continue by finding Kay once again as soon as possible. Let me tell you something … I’m polish, and a few years back, when I was still living in Poland, I fell in love with a man … while I was in a couple with a chick. It was crazy love. But the kind of totally impossible love. His name was Michal. The problem is that I didn’t do much to keep him by my side. I screw everything up. I didn’t take the right decisions at the right time.

– And what happened ?

– He died … He was found with the skull smashed in an underground parking.

– I’m sorry, I pronounce intuitively, shocked.

I cannot even imagine how I would react if such a thing happened to Kay.

– But the worst, he continues, is that the girl with whom I was became pregnant. Hopefully, she finally decided to abort after a moment. Because I made it clear to her that I had discovered my true nature. That I would not have been able to bring the necessary love to this child. And it was out of question for her to raise the baby alone. After that, I decided to start over and to flee from Poland. I don’t regret it. I’ve left my old demons behind me.

His story reminds me my own a lot. But it also comes to me as a bombshell. Thanks to him, I understand more than ever that I must do everything to get back Kay. Now that I know where he is, I will not abandon him anymore. All my efforts won’t be useless

– You need to find your Kay back. Contrary to me, you still have the possibility to change things. Don’t let that chance escape from you.

– But, how can I know where they brought him ? There must be several hospitals in this city !

– That’s the point, chance, you’ve got some. I’m a nurse nearby. I know well the hospitals in the region. Let me make one or two phone calls, I will find where Kay has been brought.

Kuba stands up immediately and gets out. I wait a few minutes, totally stressed. What if he is not able to find where the first aids brought Kay ? Kuba finally comes back and sits down again in front of me.

– It’s ok, I found him. He was taken to the UniversitätsKlinikum. It’s not that far, I will drive. You can’t take your car with your tiredness state.

I feel a crazy light of hope surge in me.

– I feel better, trust me ! I say in a hurry, ready to go right away.

– You don’t even know where it is ! Stop saying bullshit. So, come one, let’s go there right now.

We leave the Starbucks then head up to Kuba’s car parked near. I am so excited that seconds pass by without I can realize it. On the road, Kuba starts talking to me :

– Listen, I don’t want to alarm you, but according to what the doctor I got on the phone told me, it’s pretty serious. They found a lot of drug in his blood. His state is critical. They have already started to do him a double lavage. In a first time, a stomach lavage, to be sure there is no trace of drug left in his alimentary canal. Then, they will take out some of his blood and transfuse him fresh one at the same time.

I totally freak out at the idea that Kay is not able to endure this. All this process seems very heavy. After several minutes that I don’t count, we finally arrive at the UniversitätsKlinikum. I immediately get out of the car and run to the entrance of the hospital, soon followed by Kuba.

– Follow me, he orders.

We meander through several corridors before arriving in the emergencies service.

– Wait here for me, I’ll go find the emergency doctor in charge tonight.

I go round and round a hundred of time in the hallway, impatient. At a moment on, I see the first aid worker who had refused me to get in the ambulance dropping in the corridor. He stares at me with a strange air. I’m so mad that I would enjoy smashing my first in his face, but I restrain myself. Better not to look for trouble at the moment. He must reed the fury on my face because he quickly goes on his way.

Kuba finally comes back accompanied by a man in his sixties with a serious face.

– Good evening Sir, he greets me. I’m the emergency doctor.

– Good evening …

– I present to you Marc Borgmann, a close friend of Kay, insists Kuba.

– Your friend got himself into deep shit, Mr. Borgmann. We have proceeded to the stomach lavage, but the entire drug has already penetrated his bloodstream. He risks a cardiac arrest. We have tried to contact his family to inform them but couldn’t find any phone on him, just his wallet, and of course, the rest of his drug … We are now going to proceed to the blood transfusion.

– How is it about to go on starting from now ? I ask.

– Well, generally, we use one or several blood bags to fill in the blood which is being evacuated, all of this mixed with medicines. The problem is, that we don’t have bags with Kay’s blood group anymore, we ran out of them earlier today. We just asked a nearby hospital to bring us some urgently. They are already en route, but the best would be to have a donor from whom we could perform the transfusion directly to avoid losing time.

– What is the blood group of Kay ? speaks Kuba.

– From a first checkup we made when he arrived, A Positive.

I can’t believe my eyes.

– I am also A Positive, I say. Use me. Right now !

– What a godsend ! exclaims the doctor. But before doing anything, you must undertake quick tests and a compulsory questionnaire, we cannot take anyone like this, I’m sure you understand that.

– Let’s not lose some precious time, make these tests now.

We immediately head to a nearby room where a nurse performs some verifications. She does a blood test that she puts into a machine, then asks me diverse questions while the tests are being made. As I have not undergone any surgery or operation in the previous months and do not have any medical history, I am eligible. Which is confirmed once again by the blood tests testifying among other things my blood group.

– Thank god, I think quietly. Kay, I’m gonna get you out of here.

The emergency doctor comes back, and after having received the approbation of the nurse, takes me through the hallway then to a treatment room. There, I find Kay, totally asleep, an oxygen mask on this face. His complexion his more deathly pale than ever, almost cadaveric. This vision hurts me and I feel even guiltier not to have tried finding him back before. We could have prevented all of this. I get closer to him and grab his cold hand. I try to warm it up. With my other hand I caress tenderly his face. I notice that the doctor observes me.

– Who is he in relation to you, actually ? he questions me.

– That’s a long story. But … I love him. And I will never abandon him anymore. So, let’s start, I finish by drying the tears reaching my eyes.

The nurse penetrates in the room accompanied with two other auxiliaries and after several minutes, everything is set up. I’m lying on a bed next to Kay’s, and a cord links up my left arm to his right arm. His left arm is connected to the machine that will extract his blood fouled by drug. I feel the doctor thrust the needle in my arm, and suddenly, I see my own blood reach Kay’s body.

– Well, this will take a few little minutes. Once this will be over, we will have to transfuse you some blood because you are about to give Kay a sizeable amount of yours.

– Very well, I answer.

I grab Kay’s right arm and hold it tight, while I feel my own blood reach his veins. It appeases me to give him my energy and my vital force. I gaze with attention at his sleeping face. It seems to me like he already recovers, which makes me happy.

– Kay, stay with me, I whisper. No more running. No more lies. You are the one I love. Now I’m sure of it, more than ever.

I close my eyes and imagine holding him in my arms. After some minutes, the nurse comes back in the room.

– I think that will be enough, she announces me.

She heads toward the control computers and analyse the data.

– It seems his vital functions are once again stable, his heart beats less fast. He will need a lot of rest now. We have to let him sleep.

The drainage tube is removed from my arm.

– You can follow me, speaks the nurse after putting me a little band-aid.

I wait for her to leave the room, and before joining her, I get closer to Kay, take off his mask even if it must be forbidden, and kiss him gently on his mouth. His lips are still so soft and intense memories surface like flashes upon their contact.

– See you soon, my love.

I surprise myself to let out this sentence I would have never thought saying one day, even to Bettina. Love takes an all-new sense for me now. I have discovered the secret of it, its very essence. I put Kay his mask back, observe him one last time, and then rejoin the nurse. I am given a quick transfusion to fill in the blood I gave to Kay.

Kuba was waiting for me in the hallway. I am surprised to find him still there.

– Kuba, I … I wanted to say thank you for everything. If our paths hadn’t crossed tonight, I don’t know how I would have managed all of this. I would have maybe let Kay to his own fate. Just to think of it, it disgusts me.

– No worries my friend. The nurses told that Kay’s state was a lot more stable. He will go through. Come, I will bring you to your car, you can come back to see him tomorrow morning.

– Ok. But before that, I would like to let a message to Kay. Because I have to leave tomorrow, unfortunately.

I scribble a few words on a piece of paper quickly : “Kay, I am sorry to have taken all this time to come back toward you. I abandoned you like a coward. I don’t know if you will remember our reunion when you will wake up, but know that if it is the case, it was not a dream. I was there, by your side. I will be back in Düsseldorf next week, on Saturday morning, at the train station. I have to go home under obligation. Here is my number if you want to contact me meanwhile. You will wait for me there if you wish so. In any case, I will be there myself. I love you. Marc.

I address the message to the nurse who took care of me, and ask her to promise me to give it to Kay when he wakes up. I would so much like to stay here until his awakening. Except that I must be back tomorrow at the barracks. My little break is over and my son awaits me.

Kuba brings me back to my car in the town centre of Düsseldorf. Before leaving him, I thank him once again for his precious help and take his number to keep in touch with him. I go back to the hotel but decide not to go to bed. Anyhow I know very well that I won’t be able to find sleep. I pack my stuff, pay my room and leave straight away. When I cross the bridge overhanging the Rhine exiting Düsseldorf, I look one last time in direction of the illuminated city, of the hospital, of Kay.

Then I grab the picture of us I found in his previous apartment and contemplate it while driving.

– Kay, if you’re really willing to give me a second chance despite the bad things I made, then I hope you will be there next Saturday.

Free Fall : Renaissance – Chapter 6 (English Version)

Chapter 6

Here finally comes Chapter 6 of Free Fall : Renaissance ! I hope you will appreciate it because I know you were quite a lot to wait for it given to the numerous positive comments I got 🙂 I would like to thank you all once again for your great support. Yesterday, my website reached a record number of 203 daily visits, this is amazing ! Don’t forget to let me a little comment to give me your opinion ^^ Good reading, and see you soon for Chapter 7 !

Sad-Man-With-Umbrella-Walking-In-A-Lonely-Street-Digital-Art-Artwork

I drive straight to Düsseldorf. The journey takes me a few hours. When I finally arrive, it is very late in the night and I’m exhausted. By doing a quick search on my phone, I find a cheap hotel located at the border of the city. I decide to book a room there in order to rest myself and start my researches tomorrow.

I’m so excited at the thought of finding Kay back that I’m hardly able to sleep. When I wake up it is 9am. I take a quick shower, then have breakfast in the hotel restaurant. After having eaten, I go to the reception to book an additional night.

I take the car and drive to the Düsseldorf town centre. It is about 10.30am when I get out of my Golf. I have absolutely no idea where to begin. I have no phone number. No address. No contact. Kay could very well be everywhere and nowhere at the same time. It’s like looking for a needle in a haystack !

However, there has to be somewhere to begin with. So I decide to walk aimlessly in the streets of the centre. At least to discover a little bit the surroundings, as I’ve never been in this city before. I meander like this for three hours. Feeling the hunger coming up in me, I buy a sandwich that I devour quickly. I am unable to stand still. I’m so on edge to be so close to Kay but to have no idea where he is exactly.

After my lunch break, I head myself to the banks of the Rhine where I walk along, thoughtful. Who knows, maybe Kay is also walking alone in the city. Maybe we are both wandering, like two solitary and lost souls. No, he surely has found a new job.

I’m suddenly extracted from my thoughts when I catch sight in the distance along the promenade of a man from behind with short blond hair, with both the frail but athletic stature of Kay.

– Hey ! I shout in his direction.

There are so many hubbubs that the person doesn’t hear me. I start to run in his direction. But the crowd is so big that when I arrive at the place I thought I noticed Kay, I don’t see him anywhere. People turn back when I pass on and look at me with strange faces.

– Pfff, I must have illusions. This entire story is going to my head, I think in a whisper.

I sit down on a bench and decide to make a quick call to Lena to have news from Max.

– Everything is going on fine, she reassures me. Max is in the best of health. What about you ? Do your researches bear fruit ? Still no trace of Kay ?

– No, not really. But I’m getting closer to my goal. Someone told me he was in Düsseldorf.

– What ?! Düsseldorf ? You’ve gone that far ? That’s a bit of a trek, says Lena, surprised.

We continue to discuss during a few minutes then hang up. I continue my stroll, but, as I’m at the end of my tether, I find it preferable to go back to the hotel. I stay a couple hours in my room looking at the TV and dozing.

Suddenly, an idea crosses my mind. I remember that Kay loves nightclubs, and there must be a lot of them in the town centre. This thought gives me a renewal of energy. I quickly change my clothes and dash directly to my Golf in order to join to centre of Düsseldorf. It is almost 11pm.

After having walked a few minutes, I find what seems to be a hip place. I get inside and order a glass of alcohol to relax. I can’t help myself to examine every entry and every departure hoping to see Kay. I stay two hours before taking the initiative to change to another place. I’m wasting my time, there must be dozens of night clubs in a big city like Düsseldorf.

I walk along several streets before going up in a large artery called Bahnstrasse. The street is quite lively. At one point, I come face to face with what seems to be a gay club, named 2Box. I enter it by any chance and sit down on a small sofa. A few minutes later, a waiter comes to take my order. I choose a double whisky.

While drinking my glass, I observe with curiosity the numerous persons passionately swaying their hips on the dance floor to a background of electro music. It reminds me the terrible weeks I lived after Kay’s disappearance and my break-up with Bettina. I had become used to this kind of place because of my nervous depression. It was the only way I found to escape from reality. I came back every time dead drunk. I almost got fired from the police team because of my constant lateness and my bad performances. Luckily, from one day to the next, I decided to never set foot again in this kind of clubs and I rather started to run again in the forest to evacuate my anxiety.

I look at my watch : it is almost 2am. I feel like my face is burning and decide to refresh myself in the toilets. When I enter the room, I don’t notice anyone. I head for the washbasin, run the water then rinse thoroughly my face. It makes me feel way better. When I lift my head, I discover in the mirror that I’m not alone.

In the extension of the toilets where the WC cubicles are located, I see the legs of someone lying on the floor, as unconscious. The rest of his body is hidden behind the wall, which extends the toilets perpendicularly. As I do not see very well what is happening, I turn back and decide to get closer, surprised. I discover another old man with a paunchy belly kneeling over the torso of the person on the floor. Most likely two drunk guys giving themselves over to a suspicious hobby. But the man on the ground doesn’t move at all and seems really unconscious. The old one is fondling the other guy unbeknown to him. It worries me even if I know I should not interfere. Certainly my cop instinct.

When I get a little bit closer to see the person on the floor, I discern a washed-out jean, a beautiful white and soft skin, a black t-shirt. An angelic face, magnificent blue eyes and golden blond hair. Kay is just in front of me. He is the one lying on the ground.

The old man lifts up his head in my direction and looks at me with a sadistic air :

– So, what the hell are you doing, are you gonna stay there ogling or will you enjoy with me ?

At first, I don’t reply nor I move, totally shocked. Then, like a thunderbolt which doesn’t warn, I feel an irrepressible furiousness rise in me.

– You disgusting faded pig ! I grumble.

The man stares at me, surprised. I rush at him. I feel madness invading me. I grab him by the scruff of the neck violently, administer him a punch in the face then throw him away.

– Clear off right now before I crush your head beneath my feet ! I scream.

The deviant leaves the toilets in all haste, afraid.

– Kay ! I scream with all my strength while flinging myself at him. I lift up his back.

I stick my face to his. I feel tears flood my face and I see them reach Kay’s cheeks. I can’t believe Kay, my Kay, is here with me. We are finally reunited after all these months. What an incredible coincidence ! How many chances did I have to find him now ? For the first time, I feel like destiny is giving me a little help. But I would have preferred to find Kay in a better state even though.

– Kay do you hear me ? Wake up !

I try to shake him softly, in vain. I pull up his pants, which had been untied by the old pervert. Then while frisking quickly Kay, I discover in the palm of his left hand a sachet filled with pills. I also find LSD in one of his pockets. He took drugs. And he lost consciousness. Or worst. I thought he was only drunk. I feel panic swell in me. I check his pulse. He still breathes. Swamped by fear, I don’t see other solution than calling Emergencies with my cell phone. Someone answers and after having asked me the address and little details, I am told that an ambulance will arrive as soon as possible. But I have already stopped listening.

All my attention is now focused on Kay. His face once radiant and smiley is lifeless and it worries me. I hold him very tight in my arms. I try to warm up his cold body. We stay there on the floor for what seems like an eternity. I didn’t even take the time to warn someone in the club. All that matters to me is to create a protective envelope around Kay with my body. I don’t want to let him go away. Not anymore. At a moment on, I see Kay opening slightly his eyes. I suddenly feel his hand grasping mine strongly, and my pulse accelerates.

– Kay ? Kay ? It’s me Marc ! Don’t worry, I’m here ! You have nothing to fear ! I am back ! I say to him while fixing his woozy eyes. It seems to me I glimpse a little smile on his lips but I’m not sure of it.

Kay loses consciousness right away again. I fear the worst. Luckily, a few seconds later, two people who must be the owners of the club penetrate in the toilets in all haste, accompanied by emergency doctors.

– Why the hell did you not warn us ?! yells at me one of the bosses.

I don’t know what to answer. Then, everything happens so quickly that I don’t understand anything. My heart beats wildly. Kay gets snatched from me. He is extracted from the toilets. I try to lift up and follow the cortege to the outside of the club.

– What happened ? I’m asked briefly.

– I don’t know, I found him unconscious on the floor. I … I think he took a large dose of drugs, I explain while trembling.

Two doctors place Kay on a stretcher and put an oxygen mask on his face. A first-aid worker shouts at me and asks me additional questions about Kay, like his first and last name. While I’m occupied with the worker, I barely have the time to turn back to see Kay being shoved in the ambulance truck.

– Can I come with you ? I beg at the first-aid worker.

– Are you family related to this person ?

– No.

– I’m sorry, you can’t follow us then. We have to go right now, he will surely need a gastric lavage. Hoping that he survives, of course.

I feel like receiving a hammer blow on the head. I stay unmoving. In less than fifteen seconds, the ambulance has started and disappears in the darkness. I collapse on the ground. I shout in rage. The echo of my voice reverberates through the whole street. Several persons look at me but I don’t pay attention to them. I didn’t even think of asking where Kay was about to be brought. And no one took my phone number.

Barely do I find Kay back that he is taken from me straight away. Why is fate so cruel ?

Chapter’s Song


I chose this song from Mylène Farmer (probably the most famous female singer in France) in duo with Jean-Louis Murat for its extraordinary and spellbinding beauty. The story of two separated souls, one « alive », the other « dead », and which as a consequence cannot really meet up. This is also likely the same case for Marc and Kay for whom destiny don’t do any favor. But one must always keep hope alive and believe in his lucky star, otherwise no chance is given to tomorrow.

Free Fall : Renaissance – Chapter 5 (English Version)

Hello ! Here is Chapter 5, well motivated to write it following your warm comments. Eh Eh I leave you languishing, when Marc will finally see Kay again ?? Or perhaps never ? Continue to read Free Fall : Renaissance to find out 😀

Chapitre 5

PhotoMarc

Contrary to what I had imagined, track down Kay, or at least his new living place, was not that complicated. A brief look in the police files to which I could have access thanks to an internal contact taught me Kay had asked for a transfer in a town located about 80 kilometres far from here.

It took me around two hours to reach that city. Once arrived near the obtained address, I park in the street. I hesitate during what appears to be long minutes before getting out of the car. This is completely crazy. What am I about to say to Kay ? How will he react when seeing me ? I tremble just by the thought of it. The last time I saw him, I clearly suggested him it was preferable to leave in order to avoid troubles and I had abandoned him. He will never be able to forgive me.

I reflect on this entire story. Actually, I have been a perfect egotistic from the beginning to the end with Kay. This is him who has always bent over backwards for me, to help me, for us to live our relationship secretly. And I have almost never expressed all the love I truly felt for him in return. He was entirely right when he said me “With you Marc, it’s always me, me, me”. I never thought about him, about his problems, about everything he could feel. By the way was he really in love with me ? Maybe our relation was just physical. At least, I will know for sure when I will see him. As for me, I know I have deep feelings towards him, otherwise I would not come up to here.

When I finally decide to get out of my Golf, I join the building where Kay is domiciled. It is the beginning of the evening, and I dare hope he is home right now. When I arrive in front of the block, I realize an entry code is necessary to get in, and there is no intercom.

– Scheisse.

I’m blocked outside. This only thing I can do is go back to my car and hope having the chance to see Kay get in or get out. Just when I am about to leave, an old woman waves at me and come open the door.

– You come to see somebody ? she asks me.

– Hello. Yes, I come to visit Kay. Kay Engel.

– Come in young man, I’m the janitor.

I penetrate in the entrance hall of the building.

– Are you sure you are at the right place ? Kay has vacated the premises not so long ago, she says to me while turning over.

I am surprised and terribly disappointed at the same time by this announcement.

– How long ?

– Nearly two weeks now. He has departed so quickly, in all haste. So well that he has left a mount of stuff, and the landlord pesters me for his apartment to be cleared. There are a lot of personal objects, I don’t know where to start.

– Would you mind showing me his apartment ?

– No, no problem. Follow me.

We take the stairs to go to the second floor. The old woman opens the door of the apartment.

– Have you forgotten something at his place ?

– Uh, yes, I lie, destabilized by her question. He had borrowed me a document I need urgently.

– Very well, I let you. I will verify that the cleaning agent has washed the bathroom and that it is in order for the first visits meanwhile.

While the janitor is leaving, I go in Kay’s bedroom. Everything is tidy and the bed is made. I can’t help myself sitting on it and breathe the sheets while sweeping my hand on them. I have the impression of smelling the sweet scent of Kay.

My gaze turns upon the bedside table. I open its drawer and find with surprise a damaged photo inside. I grab it and discover with emotion a shot of Kay and I we took during a jogging session we made in the forest. We are smiling and we look happy. I had completely forgotten that picture. I had let it to him because I didn’t want to take the risk that Bettina finds it, even if it would have change nothing in the end.

Emotion rises in me at the sight of this beautiful image, so well that tears start to fill my eyes.

I get up and join an adjacent room filled with darkness. When I open the light, I discover with surprise a place full of paintings and sketches left as they are.

– Young man, your friend has left many drawings and paintings, as you can see, tells me the janitor while arriving at the bedroom doorstep. Isn’t it what you’re looking after ?

Surprised in my loneliness, I discreetly dry my tears and turn toward her.

– What are you talking about ? Uh no, the canvases don’t matter.

She joins me and enters the room.

– Have you found what you were looking after then ?

– No, I say while hiding the photo in one of my back pockets.

– So this is maybe in this room after all. Cast a glance there.

– Kay has created all of this ? I say with astonishment.

– Indeed.

I never knew Kay was drawing and painting. He never talked to me about it and I never saw any painting in his last apartment where we used to see each other. I’m struck when looking more precisely at his drafts to realize they all represent a masculine figure.

– I’ve discussed a little bit with Kay, he confided in me sometimes. He was a solitary person, with a hidden nature, explains to me the old woman. From what he has told me, all these paintings represent a boy he used to know, a certain Marc.

I feel a thrill travel across my back but let nothing of it appear. I then approach myself from other canvases and observe closer the drawings. There is no doubt we can recognize some of my physical features on them.

– What looks strange, is that Marc seems so sad on these canvases. Like jaded, bitter, she says to me.

– Or heartbroken, I mumble.

– Kay never said to me who this Marc was.

– Maybe he was just his model ? I throw to cover myself in case the old woman would recognize me from the drafts; I prefer to stay discreet as much as possible.

The janitor gets closer to me and points a finger upon several sketches.

– It may have started that way, but it became more. Look at the way he … captured Marc. The curve of his back. The softness of his skin. Kay was under the spell of Marc, spending every waking moment painting him. He was in every brush stroke. I know it doesn’t concern me, but Kay loved this man, it’s obvious.

– But they were not together, I say trying to put up a smokescreen. Kay never talked to me about a Marc.

– Frankly, I find that hard to believe. I don’t know, maybe Kay wanted all this to remain secret. Maybe they broke up. Painting was probably the only way Kay had to be able to live this romance.

– But if they loved each other so much, I asked, why would Marc push him away ?

– Maybe there was someone else, someone that don’t wanted them to be together. Or Marc didn’t feel worthy of Kay, he doubted the way he felt about him. Or all of this together.

I remain silent a few moments. Until I notice the gaze of the janitor looking hard at me.

– You’re Marc, isn’t it ? she questions me.

I gave myself away.

– Yes … I admit in a whisper.

– I figured it out the moment I saw you arrive. I was telling myself that your face was familiar to me. I had already seen it on those sketches several times.

I don’t know what to answer her.

– It is not for something that you came back. It’s for Kay.

– And he is gone now, I finally answer her, bitter.

A few tears flood my face.

– I love him so much. I would give anything to find him again, I say while touching smoothly one of the sketches, which represents me in Kay’s arms, as if nothing could separate us, as if we were together for eternity, frozen into that pleasant position.

– I can perhaps help you. The only thing I know is that before leaving, Kay told me he was heading to Düsseldorf, to flee as far as possible. To start over.

– Did he give any address ? I ask feeling an insane hope invade me.

– No. As I told you, he left so quickly.

I stay a few more minutes inside the apartment. I take care of getting back some drawings as a souvenir, in case I would never see Kay again. I dry my tears and after having warmly thanked the old woman, I leave the building.

In the street, I take back out the photo where I am with Kay. Why do you escape me when I finally decide to repair my mistake ?

I hold on to my deep desire to see Kay again. As long as I won’t have found him, I won’t surrender. I get back inside my car and turn on my GPS.

Direction Düsseldorf.

Chapter’s Song

Free Fall : Renaissance – Chapter 4 (English Version)

Dear friends, the English translation for the Chapter 4 of Free Fall : Renaissance, my sequel to the German movie Free Fall / Freier Fall, is finally here ! I apologize for the lateness, I know a lot of you have been waiting for it !! But it’s available now =D Don’t hesitate to write a comment to give your thoughts about this chapter and your expectations for what’s coming next 🙂 (or if I made a weird translation, nobody’s perfect xD).

Chapter 4

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It has now been a little week since Max is by my side. Colleagues have been very surprised. I had to adapt to this new rhythm of life. I am so absorbed by Max that I forget Kay little by little. His memory slowly crumbles inside of me as days go by. In a way, it relieves me, because it helps me let my fears behind me. Max is my new priority, and sadly I can’t continue to wallow in self-pity if I want to be fully present for him.

I was eligible for a few days of paternity leave as an exception, but this period ended the day before yesterday. Luckily, Matthias’ brother Lukas has proposed his help to keep Lukas yesterday and today. Even if he is quite free with his cashier job, Lukas works part-time and is not always available. So I will have to find a baby-sitter quickly.

As Bettina asked me, I didn’t try to contact her. And I didn’t have to. Yesterday evening, I received a surprise visit from her. Her first words were :

– I am sorry, Marc …

At this point, it is no more time to be sorry. We have discussed about this sudden reversal of situation. I told her I accepted the care of Max, despite everything it implied. That I was even ready to leave my job if necessary. She announced me she was going to South America for a month with her sister, because she needed to have a break after this whole story. I said nothing. Now that I have Max, I have my own problems to handle, and I don’t have time to take care of Bettina’s. If she wants to leave, so be it.

Today, after work, I discuss with Matthias in the locker room.

– I am in the shit, I admit to him.

– Why ?

– Your brother can’t help me forever to keep Max, and I don’t have a lot of solutions. I thought about taking a baby-sitter, during the time I will need to get a stable situation to handle all of this, but it’s not that simple. I really want to find a trustworthy person.

– I recognize it’s not easy to find the suitable person. You know what, I will ask Steffi if she knows someone.

– Thanks, that’s really kind.

When I get back to the apartment, Lukas is preparing the dinner for Max. I go take Max in my arms then join Lukas. He smiles to me.

– Lukas, thank you so much to have accepted helping me, I tell him.

– Oh, you’re welcome. I don’t do a lot, you know.

He takes a short pause and looks at me with his puny gaze.

– However, I am sorry but I won’t be able to make it tomorrow. My boss called me to do extra hours.

– Damn, it comes at the bad time, I say while I cradle Max. Your brother promised me to ask Steffi if she knows someone, I cross fingers so she can accomplish a miracle !

Lukas packs his stuff then grabs his bag.

– Here you go, everything is ready Marc, you just have to give Max his meal. He is really adorable and calm, it is a pleasure to keep him.

– Thank you.

– So, it’s time for me to go, see you !

– Wait, I hail at him before he leaves while replacing Max in his cradle.

I go grab an envelop in a drawer then give it to Lukas.

– There, this is for you.

– What is it ?

– Some money, to thank you for helping me.

– Marc, I … says Lukas before giving me back the envelop, embarrassed.

I say no with my head.

– Keep it for you ! Now go.

One hour after Lukas has left, I give Max his meal and drowse some moments on the couch. I try to find a solution for tomorrow. Either I pretend to be sick to keep Max, or I find someone. I am extracted from my thoughts when I feel my cell phone vibrating in my pocket. It’s Marc calling.

– Hello ?

– Marc, I found your solution !

This is Steffi’s voice.

– Hi Steffi.

– I’ve got a friend, Lena. She just finished her childcare studies. She seeks a job in a school, but she hasn’t found anything yet. So meanwhile, I was thinking she could serve your purpose. She is 25 and very nice, you’ll see.

I think about it for a few seconds.

– That’s ok. Contact her and ask her if she can begin tomorrow morning at 8am. Lukas will not be able to take care of my little guy. So I really need her if she is available.

– Count on me, I’ll let you know as soon as possible.

We hang up. I really hope this Lena will be what I need, otherwise I’m in the shit. If I’m not able to raise my child properly, social services could very well come across me and take Max away from me forever to replace him in a host family, and I really don’t want this to happen.

A few minutes later, I receive a text message from Steffi. She confirms me that all is ok and that Lena will be able to begin tomorrow morning. Phew ! I let out a sigh of relief. It is already late and I don’t have a minute to lose. Tomorrow, I start at 8.30am, and everything needs to be ready for this Lena to take charge of Max. I immediately begin to gather important stuff, to wash Max’s dirty clothes and to tidy up what’s lying around. Even if finally, I realize that Lukas has already done the most of it, so much that I don’t have a lot to do. Once all is over, I cradle Max who has already fallen asleep, and, exhausted after this hard day, I myself go to bed. Max is very calm during the night and I only have to wake up once.

Around 8am, while I’m drinking a tea and I’m eating a buttered toast with ham, someone knocks at the door. When I open, I discover a very beautiful young woman on the doormat. Her iris tinted with green and hazel perfectly fit with her long ginger hair. Small and discreet freckles strew her prominent cheekbones and her large forehead. Her lips are fleshly and luscious. She addresses me a smile and hold out her hand.

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– Good morning, I’m Lena.

– I’m pleased to meet you. My name is Marc. Come in.

She penetrates in the corridor and we move to the small living room.

– Thank you so much for having accepted to help me, especially so quickly, and so early.

– You’re welcome, she says to me with a little sweet voice. This is normal. That’s a perfect timing because I was searching for a little job meanwhile, as I just finished my childcare studies.

– Yes, Steffi explained me that..

She addresses me a new smile to which I answer. Her aura does not leave me indifferent.

– Come, it’s time to meet Max and explain you where are the things you will need.

We discuss for fifteen minutes and look over everything she will need to take care of Max.

– So, I have to leave now, I announce her. Duty calls me!

– Good Luck, Marc. I’m sure everything’s will be ok with Max. Isn’t it, sweetheart ? she whispers while kissing Max that she’s holding in her arms.

When I come back in the evening, I briefly explain to Lena my actual situation, my story with Bettina, taking care of not revealing anything about Kay. I just tell her that the couple I formed with Bettina was doomed to fail and that we had preferred to split up. Lena shows herself to be very comprehensive, and it touches me.

Several exhausting days flow by, and I inwardly thank Steffi for finding Lena. Everything suits perfectly, and she relieves me from a considerable weight. On the evening, I’m able to spend some time with my son without having to preoccupy myself about the rest. Of course, it does create a hole in my budget. This is the reason why, every time I get the opportunity to take care of Max myself, I don’t ask Lena to come.

However, I’m starting to experience a strange feeling toward her. She is very attractive and irresistible. Her charm doesn’t leave me unmoved. Some sort of connection sets in between the both of us since a few days. So much it’s now been two days I invite her to stay for dinner.

We are precisely eating a potato salad, and she addresses me a conniving gaze.

– So, how’s been your day ? she asks me while eating a piece of potato.

– For once, it was less exhausting than usual. I’m really wondering how I would handle all of this if I had to take care of Max every day. Thanks again to you, Lena.

She throws an embarrassed smile at me. Suddenly, I feel her hand slide onto my thigh under the table. As I don’t know how to interpret this movement, I friendly touch her hand, even if her gesture wakes up desire in me. She seems confused and removes her hand.

Some days later, I start a leave period of five days, and Lukas has asked to keep Max today, which I accepted. I took advantage of this opportunity to invite Lena to go outside for a walk, as the sun is shining. After a wander in the shopping center of the city, we go to a nearby park. The atmosphere is calm.

– Thanks for offering me to go outside, but you know, I could have kept Max, says Lena.

– It’s a pleasure for me to spend time with you, I admit timidly.

– Me too, she whispers to me.

Suddenly, I feel her fingers gently touch mine, and we start walking hand in hand. At the beginning, it makes me feel a little bit ill at ease, but I let nothing appear about it. Something restrains me, disturbs me, even if I’m happy to spend some time with such a kind and attractive person.

At a moment on, we stop to sit down on a bench with a view on the lake of the park, and Lena fixes her gaze on me. Her face comes slowly closer to mine, until I feel her lips touch mine. We start to kiss tenderly, and I answer her call. I close my eyes to savour this moment.

Then abruptly, an image of Kay crosses my mind. I immediately detach myself from Lena, and a feeling of anxiety and regret insinuates into me, stabs me.

– I’m sorry … This is not possible. I … I love someone else.

I remain speechless. It got out all alone. I put my hand on my mouth, half chocked. I just said I loved him. That I still loved Kay. Lena stares at me with a lost and incredulous expression. I rise from the bench and turn towards the forest.

– Sorry, throws softly Lena while joining me. I didn’t mean to push you around. I … I thought … that you needed to relax, to change your mind. It was stupid coming from me. I can leave if you want, you don’t have to keep me as baby-sitter after this.

I slightly pivot in her direction, confused.

– No, it’s ok. How could you know ? And I need you for Max. Let’s leave it there.

Lena gets closer to me, and I turn my face towards hers. She discovers my eyes filled with tears.

– What’s going on, Marc ? It’s been two weeks since we know each other now. Nothing prevents you from talking to me. Explain me everything.

I hesitate for a moment when seeing her sadden expression. She looks honest.

– Can you keep a secret ?

We sit down on the bench again, and I tell her all the whole truth about my past. Bettina, Kay, Gregor. All is revealed.

– Oh, Marc, I am so sorry, she says while taking my hand. Why haven’t you spoken to me about all of this earlier ?

– This is not the kind of thing you tell everyone, Lena. It can literally break a life. And do a lot of harm.

– So … this Kay, you love him ? He is this “someone else” ? she questions me.

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– Yes, I confess with difficulty.

– But where is he ? Why don’t you try to find him again ?

I look at her with a little smile.

– This is what everyone keeps telling me lately. But I don’t know. I don’t dare try. I’m afraid to discover what Kay has become. To be disappointed. Maybe he has found someone else. Maybe he would not even accept to see me again.

– But what do you have to lose Marc ? Go ahead. Stop asking yourself those questions. You have five days of leave that are beginning. This is the moment or never to take the most of it. If you want I can keep Max during that time.

– You would do this for me ?

– Of course. If it allows you to feel better and go forward. And Max is an angel. It’s not like if I had to keep a little demon, she smiles.

Lena comes back home with me. We separate in the courtyard of the barracks. Before leaving, she says softly while putting her both hands on my shoulders and looking me straight into the eyes :

– Think about my proposal. Send me a message if you wish me to come tomorrow and the other days.

– Thanks, Lena …

She kisses my right cheek.

I have dinner in company with my son and Lukas. I confess him that I plan to find Kay back. After all, Lukas was the first to have instilled me that idea and have motivated me to do so.

– I’m proud of you Marc. This is the only solution if you want to have answers, he congratulates me.

During the night, I sleep very bad. All that happened those last few days, and most particularly today, worries me. I see Kay in my dreams asking me where I am. I weight the pros and the cons. Find him again ? Leave him ?

When I wake up in the morning, my decision is taken. I’ve contacted Lena. I’ve prepared a travel bag. Everything remains to be done now.

I’m coming, Kay.

Chapter’s Song

Free Fall : Renaissance – Chapter 3 (English Version)

Free Fall : Renaissance – Chapter 3

Here is the third chapter of my sequel to the movie Free Fall / Freier Fall ! I hope you’ll like it ! An unexpected event awaits Marc and it risks to change his daily life.

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I feel soft hands go back along my hips, fondle my back, then embrace me. I turn over and contemplate the China seas colored eyes of Kay. He addresses me his angelic smile he does so well. I smile back at him and approach my face close to his. I kiss him passionately. He puts his hands on my cheeks. I hold them tight, as if I never wanted to let them go. He lays a soft kiss on the lobe of my left ear. I succumb to his call. I take him in my arms. The warmth of his naked body heats up mine.

He lays his head on my shoulder. I gently kiss his forehead. Our clinch lasts a few minutes, but I feel like I lose all notion of time. I wish I could stay with Kay in this peaceful sphere for eternity.

Suddenly, Kay lifts his head and looks at me with his mischievous yet innocent air. His sweet voice brushes my ears :

– Have you ever thought of leaving somewhere ? Starting over ?

I stare at him with a slight doubt.

– But this is what I did, no ?

– Why are we not together then Marc ? Where are you ? Come find me. Don’t leave me alone in darkness.

I wake up abruptly, covered with sweat. I breathe with difficulty.

– Kay … ? Kay !!! I scream while checking the sheets next to me.

I realize I’m just coming out of a dream only after a few seconds. It looked so real. Why have I awoken ? I would have preferred to stay in my dream with Kay over and over again. I cannot control myself any longer, so I crack up. Tears begin to soak my cheeks.

– Kay … I babble while crying.

I check my bed once again, in a crazy hope that Kay was really present. But there is nothing and no one. Only the void left by Kay.

– Shit ! I yell while throwing my pillow across the room.

From that moment on, it is clearly impossible for me to get back to sleep. This soft but hard dream haunts my mind. I give a look at my alarm clock : it is 3.50am. As I turn round and round since ten minutes, I decide to quickly put sport trousers and a hoodie. I grab a towel and my swimsuit that I stuff in a bag, then leave my apartment. I cross as discreetly as I can the courtyard to finally join the large building where the training swimming pool is located.

It is normally forbidden to go there during the night, but at this hour, there is no risk for me to be caught. I get undressed, put on my swimsuit, then slowly dive in the tepid water. It makes me feel great. I feel my muscles relax, loosen themselves. I take a deep breath and swim some laps. Finally, I decide to simply lie on my back in the water, as if I was stretched out on my bed, and let myself drift away by the flow. My ears are plunged in the water and I hear nothing except the aquatic sounds. There is only serenity left. I close my eyes. I think back at the time where Kay and I had fooled around in the swimming pool. Just after our reprimand by Werner Brandt. That was really the moment where we had started to become friends. Good old Kay. Always ready to break the rules. He never gave a fuck to be caught or about what people could have told him. He knew how to spice up his life, be carefree, open his heart wide. My exact opposite. Nothing like me. I think this is the reason why he attracted me straight from the beginning.

I melt into those peaceful thoughts and let myself go in the course of water. I ignore how long I stay like this, but after a while I decide to go back to the apartment before risking getting caught. Some officers arrive quite early at the barracks. I get out of the swimming pool, dry myself, put my clothes on and return to my place.

Until the early morning, I read a book and watch TV. At about 9.15am, I go to the barracks to go on my mission. Today, we cover the event from yesterday once again. Everything goes well.

At the end of the afternoon, while we are about to come back, we receive an emergency call from the command post announcing that a riot has started in the heated suburb of a nearby town. We are all requisitioned, as well as other units close from the place, in order to intervene quickly.

– Shit, hurls Matthias on an ironic tone. Me who thought of coming back quietly tonight !

– Shut up, Pfeiffer, fulminates Werner Brandt. Content yourself to follow the orders !

I inwardly curse this last minute mission, because Bettina fixed our appointment tonight, and I’ve let my cell phone at the barracks. Impossible to tell her my plans have changed.

– Scheisse, I whisper in silence.

On site, this is chaos. Apparently, a large group of troublemakers has decided to confront the police. We need a few hours to restore calm. At one point, lost in my thoughts, I don’t notice a young man rushing at me with a baseball bat in hand. I receive a blow on my right shoulder. I return myself instantly only to see the bat being aimed at my face. Fortunately, Matthias arrives just in time to throw himself onto the maniac, blocking him on the ground then handcuffing him.

– Thanks … I murmur to Matthias.

– What’s happening to you dude ?! Pull yourself together, we are not taking a stroll !

– Promised.

When the mission finally ends and we are back, it is around 11.30pm. I rush out of the anti-riot truck then run in all haste to the locker room where I undress my equipment. I don’t take any shower and hurry to my Golf.

I arrive at the house around midnight. I ring at the door but no one answers. Yet I see light through the pane. I mechanically open the door.

– Bettina ? I shout.

No answer. When I penetrate in the living room, I discover Max in his pram, which looks all ready, as if it was about to be taken away. A bag filled with clothes lies just beside. I give a quick glance in all the rooms, but there is no sign of Bettina. I come back to Max who is starting to writhe and take him in my arms.

– Hey baby. Shh. There.

I cradle him a few moments, kiss him, and then replace him in the pram. While doing this, I discover an envelope from Bettina on the couch. I grab it and find a letter inside :

– “Marc … I cannot continue like this. I tried to resist as hard as I could, to hold on, but I have reached my limits. I love Max with all my heart, but with our separation something has broken. Max is our son. I wanted us to raise him together. I had so many dreams. And they have all collapsed. I’m not going to hold forth … I leave Max in your care. I am not able to raise a child who will never have a father at this side. I am sorry, Marc. This was not the idea I had of family. I can’t stand to be alone with him. Don’t try to make me change my mind. Don’t wait for me. I will not be back until several days. I hope you’ll understand. Bettina.

– Fuck ! I scream while throwing the letter across the room.

How could she do this to me ? I feel the anger invading me. Of course, I would be the happiest of fathers if I could have Max, but I live in barracks, in a small apartment. Is it really a proper place to raise a child ? Has she thought about all this ?

I hear Max starting to cry. I take him in my arms to comfort him. He calms down little by little. Tears also start to spread on my cheeks.

– Don’t worry little guy, daddy’s always gonna be there for you. I will never abandon you, I whisper to his ear.

I grab the envelop left by Bettina once again and discover a wad of bills accompanied by a little note : “Marc, here is all the money you sent me since our break-up, and some more. I never used it. I hope it will help you. Bettina.”. Does she really think that money will resolve everything ? It will help, but won’t fix everything.

I have nothing left to do here. I put Max back in his pram. I go from room to room in order to close the lights and shutters. When I come back to Max, he has peacefully fallen asleep. I take his pram as well as several boxes of milk powder and baby’s bottles. Finally, I lock the house and walk a few steps.

I give a last glance at the house then look Max, and for the first time in many months, by observing him, my face illuminates itself. I don’t know why, but I have the feeling that a new life awaits me. Move forward, never turn back again.

Chapter’s Song

Free Fall : Renaissance – Chapter 2 (English Version)

Free Fall : Renaissance – Chapter 2

Here is the second chapter of my written sequel to the movie Free Fall =) Happy reading and don’t hesitate to leave me your opinion in the comments or to share 😉

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When I am back at the Task Force quarters, it is around 9am. Although the sun is now fully risen, it is still a little bit cold outside. I get into my apartment and prepare some tea to warm up myself. I then sit down on my sofa and gaze at the barracks square through my bay window. Here and there, numerous members of the Task* are preparing to set out on mission. My apartment is located on the third floor of the building, and overlooks the large inner courtyard of the barracks. I swallow a mouthful of burning tea. I feel its warmth spread in me. I enjoy these few minutes of relaxation before beginning my day to have a look at my cell phone, which I had left here. When I go running, I like to cut myself off everything.

I find a message from Bettina. She is asking me if I can visit her at home tomorrow evening and wants a quick answer. This is obviously pretty urgent, and I am a little bit scared of it, because she never sent me such text messages since our break-up. Generally, when we need to see each other, we prefer to call and plan a meeting some days before, even if our conversations never last very long. Having nothing planned for tomorrow, I confirm her my agreement.

I stay on the sofa some more instants to relax when I suddenly hear someone knock at the door. Surprised, I go open it and find Matthias.

– Hi Marc ! How are you doing ? he exclaims while entering the apartment without being asked to do so.

Matthias Pfeiffer is a friend I made two months ago. He is a 25 years old young man, with short cut blond hair and green eyes. He has a pretty impressive build, which originates from the sport he practices since his earliest childhood, rugby. He had just joined the unit when we met for the first time. In order to welcome Matthias as well as another newcomer, the whole squad went in a bar. This had reminded me the unexpected integration of Kay in the team a few months ago … The unit stays, but the faces change. These two new recruits had arrived to fill the successive departures of Kay and Gregor.

– Not so bad, I answer with a slight smile while closing the door.

 I quickly became friend with Matthias when he had started to reveal me his personal story. His parents abandoned him and his little brother while they were still very young. They were then placed from families to social care institutions. Matthias’ brother, Lukas, was of a frail and timid nature, and homosexual. Therefore, Matthias has always been there to protect and take care of him.

I was deeply affected by his life story, and I felt Matthias was in a position to understand my situation. This is the reason why one month after I met him, I also narrated him my own personal background, apprehensively. It is usually very rare I dare confide in someone. Fortunately, I had the right feeling, because Matthias showed himself very comprehensive, and vowed to keep the secret. Being able to talk about all of this with an outside person did me a world of good and took a weight off me. I opened my door to Matthias and I hope I won’t regret it one day. Because if there’s one thing I’ve learnt with all these months, it’s that police is a very closed-minded and homophobic environment. So I have to hide and preserve myself at all cost.

When I had finished to tell him everything, Matthias asked me if I was gay or straight, if I made a choice. I answered him that I had no idea, that there was probably nothing to choose, just to accept. I never felt an attraction for any other guy except Kay. He was the only one to have ever given rise to such an effect on me. Matthias affirmed me afterwards that love knows no frontier, that homosexuality and heterosexuality are at bottom the same thing. Because love never warns and you can never know when it will strike, and how.

– Let me guess, he says while sitting on the sofa. You’ve been running ?

I answer him by nodding.

– Still no sign of Kay ?

– Still not.

– Sorry dude … But you know, I don’t understand why you stay here, lamenting on your fate. Since I know you, it looks like you try to do everything to forget him, but when I look at you, I only notice one thing.

– Oh really, and what is it ? I ask him on a slightly annoyed tone.

– You’re dying to see him again.

– Stop talking bullshit. Kay left. It’s been three months I’ve not seen him. All is over, I moved on.

– Have you even tried to call him ? he insists.

– Yes, of course I did. When I discovered he had left his apartment and the unit without telling me, I tried to reach him on his phone, but the line was cut. He had changed his number. Listen Matthias, I don’t really want to talk about this …

– Ok, ok, ok, sorry, he apologies while getting on his feet.

– Why are you here anyway ?

– I just wanted to pick you up to go to work together.

– That’s nice. I forgot it’s almost time to leave. So let’s go.

It is 9.30am when we arrive in the barracks’ hall. I come across Britt, one of my colleagues, who was a close friend to Kay. She is consequently aware of the whole story, but, luckily, she held her tongue. She stares at me with a dark gaze. Our relation has become pretty cold. She has probably not liked my behaviour towards Kay or even my family. As long as she doesn’t reveal anything to the others, I don’t wont to offend her. So I avoid as much as I can to stand in her way.

Today, Frank is not here because he has taken some days off. The day passes pretty quickly. We are patrolling until tomorrow in the streets of a nearby town where a cultural event takes place in the open air. At the end of the day, Matthias and I decide to have a drink in a bar.

I go to the counter to order two beers and a bowl of chips for Matthias and I, and then join him.

– Pretty quiet day, huh ? he asks.

– Yeah it was okay, I reply while swallowing a mouthful of beer.

– You seemed a bit weird today. Something’s perturbing you ?

– What makes you say so ?

– It’s only been two months since I know you Marc Borgmann, but your trick of the poker-faced guy who tries to show nothing through doesn’t work with me.

I answer nothing and grab a chips.

– When we get to know you better, we can see quickly that something’s wrong with you. Especially when you’re doing that face, he continues while giggling.

– It’s about Bettina, I admit to him.

– Tell me.

I hesitate a few moments, but I finally decide myself to talk.

– She sent me this text message, in the morning. She wants me to visit her tomorrow evening, but I don’t really know why, and it scares me. I have the feeling something’s going to turn wrong.

– It cannot be worse that what you’ve already gone through.

– True, but, I don’t know … She entrusts Max to me more and more these days. I was lucky if I saw him once every three weeks in the beginning.

– This is the reason why you moved by the way.

– Exactly.

– Listen, don’t worry. You will see what she has to tell you tomorrow, okay ?

– I hope you’re right …

– Moreover, what are you complaining about ? Seriously, how many men who just split up got the chance to continue seeing their child like you ? Bettina could have very well broke off all ties and prevent you from seeing Max.

A feminine voice suddenly starts talking behind Matthias :

– Hey guys, I hope we’re not disturbing you. Lukas told me you were both here, so we decided to join you.

It is Steffi, Matthias’ girlfriend. Lukas, the young brother of Matthias, accompanies her.

– Hello beauty ! he exclaims while getting up from his chair to kiss her. And you, come here little guy ! He takes his brother in his arms then friendly tousle his hair.

We discuss all four quietly around our drinks. At one point, I feel the need to have a smoke outside. When I grab my pack, Lukas calls out to me :

– I come with you ! I’d like to smoke one too.

We both get out in front of the bar, and I offer him one cigarette. I tried to stop smoking some weeks ago, but this task proved itself to be far more complicated than expected. I came to the conclusion it was not the moment for me yet. A feeling of well-being invades me when I inhale my first puff. I look at Lukas. He is a bit taller than his brother, but he has a lean body, not like Matthias. His hair is also brighter.

– So, how is it going at the barracks, he asks me.

– It’s okay. It’s not always simple. The routine if you prefer.

– I see … I know I should not tell you this, but Matthias has talked to me about your story.

– Oh, I answer on a calm tone, whereas I feel upset inside of me by this announcement. I hope he hasn’t told anybody else, I worry to Lukas. I fully trust him. My reputation can be totally destroyed in the space of one day. You don’t know how police works. I was able to see it three months ago.

– No, don’t worry, you secret is well kept, I promise. The only reason why Matthias told me about it is because, as he has probably said to you, I’m gay. And I think he needed to have an external point of view.

– And, what did you say ? I ask while I take a drag on my cigarette.

– Listen … I’m almost ten years younger than you, so frankly I cannot really judge, especially as I’m not involved at all, but … something’s troubling me.

– What is it ?

– Why have you never tried to find Kay again ?

This question destabilizes me so much that I let my cigarette fall on the ground.

– I’m sorry, Marc, I didn’t mean … I didn’t mean to push you around, apologizes Lukas.

– It’s nothing. It’s just … I’m always embarrassed when I hear his name. And it’s difficult for me to talk about it. The wounds are still opened. I try to forget him, you understand. He took his decision, he left.

A few seconds of silence ensue. I decide to break it.

– And, I don’t even know who I am anymore. What I am. I don’t know if I prefer women, or if I like men.

Lukas places his hand on my shoulder and fixes his gaze on me.

– Listen Marc. Maybe you don’t have to choose. In the end, you are still the same. What occurred between you and Kay goes beyond the notion of orientation. Tell yourself that you have not fallen in love with a man, but with a human being. We are all human beings. Why do you want to put yourself in a box at all cost ? You are who you are, you are what you are, and it’s all that matters. Don’t ask yourself more questions. The more you torture your mind with it, the more your life will get complicated. Trust me.

This speech from Lukas strikes me with full force like a cannonball. He was not wrong. I was too tormented. Trapped inside a fog from which I couldn’t extract myself since three months.

Later, when I finally slip under the duvet from my bed, I am unable to help repeating  myself in a continuous loop Lukas’ statements in my head. “Why have you never tried to find Kay again ?”. Never a second this thought had crossed my mind. For me Kay had taken his decision and I had no right to question it, to go back. This was the punishment I had been inflicted, and I had to accept it. I always thought there was no possible expiation. I had to continue alone and get myself back together.

What if I tried to start searching for him ? No, this is totally insane … I will never find him again. I had quickly taken the decision to not catch him up. Because the truth was I realized during our romance that, paradoxically, the more I was getting away from Kay, the more I craved to be by his side. I had to burn the bridges.

I’m so gnawed in my thoughts that I open the bay window of my living room and light a cigarette to have a change of air. The big inner courtyard is calm, peaceful. No sound can be heard.

I think again about all those intimate moments passed with Kay. Plunged into his gaze and his arms, I felt safe, cut from the world, far from my oppressing family. This family which was incessantly trying to infiltrate in my life, which was asking so many questions, which always wanted to know everything. Kay was my secret sanctum. And thanks to him, I no longer had the feeling of suffocating. No, I was breathing.

I finally go back to my bed. As I’m still unable to fall asleep, I decide to put back out the last fragment of Kay I’ve got left. I have not hold it in my hands since more than two months. It is his almost black, navy-blue sweatshirt, which he often wore when we were running. I extract it from my chest of drawers. One day, he lent it to me, and I did not have the chance to give it him back.

I hold it tight against me, I smell its sweet scent. It is as if Kay was by my side once again for a brief moment. I calm down, and without realizing it, I fall in a deep sleep.

Task = Task is a special unit in the German police. It is equal to the CRS in France. The task for which they are best known is crowd and riot control and re-establishment of order.

Chapter’s Song


It took me some time to decide myself on a song. And I finally chose Fly. I’m not specially fan of Hilary Duff, but this song is really superb and the lyrics perfectly fit with this chapter’s idea. That means it is time for Marc to let his torments behind him, and above all, open this part of him he tries to hide. And finally, be positive in order to better move forward.

To see the lyrics : http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/hilaryduff/fly.html

L’écriture de #Nocturne en pause pour quelques temps

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Liam & Will

Salut tout le monde !

Comme vous l’avez sans doute remarqué, le chapitre 8 de Nocturne n’est toujours pas arrivé. Je vous l’avais pourtant promis pour Février. Malheureusement, je crains de ne pas pouvoir honorer cette promesse.

J’ai en effet mis un peu en pause Nocturne pour quelques temps ! Non pas que je ne sois plus motivé pour écrire, pas du tout, mais plutôt car j’ai débuté la lecture d’un excellent ouvrage rempli de bons conseils : Écrire un roman & Se faire publier de Bob Mayer aux éditions Eyrolles. Je le recommande sincèrement à toutes les personnes qui aiment écrire, que ce soit pour leur plaisir ou dans un autre but.

Je prends note des diverses recommandations de Bob Mayer pour repartir avec des bases plus solides dans mon processus créatif. Je ne vous promets donc plus rien, mais j’essaierai quand même de faire ce chapitre 8 pour le mois de Mars 🙂 Par ailleurs sachez que je suis presque arrivé à 100 pages d’un format livre de poche type Milady avec ce chapitre 8. C’est un tiers de l’objectif que je m’étais fixé, donc je suis très heureux.

Merci pour votre attente et votre soutien 😉
Romain.